There's this song by Shannon Noll which I felt that spoke really loud to my heart...

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working

Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
Your life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give it
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

Pick up now...
Pick up now...

Currently I'm in that stage.. of trying to climb up this hole I'm in... Often, I looked back... I looked down.. and I can see how high I have climbed.. I can feel how tired my hands and legs are from climbing.. The slope is slippery.. and it's really easy for me to fall back down if I just let go a little.. I guess it's like how the song says it.. I gotta lift.. and He says that I'm stronger than this.. I sure hope that I am.. but.. the only thing I can do now is to climb.. and keep on climbing.. I gotta keep my hopes up... and never let go..

Last night was not so good, I woke up at 4am, thinking bout things that I'm not supposed to... and getting kinda depressed bout it... until I fell into sleep again at around 5-something. Now, i'm drinking this cheap passionfruit vodka. A 4-bottles pack of this drink cost me only $10, cheaper than midori which would probably cost me $15. It's pretty good actually, not as good as baccardi or midori.. but for a cheap drink.. it's still better than beer...

Including tonight, it'll be 2 nights that I managed to get by without alcohol.. I'm not sure about tonight though.. I hope that I can get a pretty good sleep without any interruptions. In addition, my mood these past couple of days have been pretty alright. There're some things that disappointed me quite a little bit.. but they were not so severe. I guess it's because I'm getting used to with these situations. It's probably also because I've started on my honours project earlier this week. It's currently a more important issue that I should think about and concentrate in so I don't want to be bothered by anything else. Anyhow... I guess my alcohol habit is under control.. I hope...

This afternoon I went out with Shanna to shop for stuff for Sofia's birthday. At the same time, I also managed to get a birthday present for miss garfield. We got sofia a few girls accessories and a nice jewellery box to put all the stuff in. We also got her an underwear as "bogus present"

Then, we went to my house to wait for Andrew and Sofia before going out to have dinner together. Sofia suggested this place called Ants Bistro which I used to think that they serve ants there. It turns out that the place was pretty good. I'll probably recommend the place to some friends later.

After Dinner, we went back to my house to chat and catch up with one another. It's kinda sad though, knowing that by the end of the year, we'll probably won't be together again. Andrew is leaving in march and Shanna will probably go to US after this year. In my case, I don't know where I'm going. I'm probably going to stay here.. or I can move on somewhere else... I hope I can stay in melbourne, I love this city....

I just drank some red wine, and i guess that's enough for tonight.. I hope that I'll get a good night's sleep...

Today was my first day as honours student... It was actually unofficial since I haven't really finished all the paperwork but I guess it'll be finished by tomorrow. How's first day?? Well, I had my first try on mounting brain sections on slides.. and boy.. it aint easy.. especially with my trembling hands.. I actually tore 2 brain slices in half.... My supervisor told me that it's ok since it's my 1st day... I also sat thru a boring seminar.. which I almost slept in... and another lab meeting.. which was almost as boring as the seminar... After all that, I got the chance to sit down with my supervisor and really discuss about what's going to happen. We managed to come up with a "plan" of what I'm supposed to do and learn in the coming 3 weeks.. I hope everything goes well and I do not have to repeat anything..

My thoughts for today: I realised that I've already started on this "thing", which I am not sure that I am going to accomplish.. In fact, there's a higher probability that I will never succeed.. but I am still going on with it.. cos... there's a small chance that it might... and I'm not giving up just yet

This afternoon, Jes, Kong and me hung out at my house watching Harold and Kumar on Foxtel. Man.. that movie is bad influence if you are on a diet.. Why?? cos after the movie.. we have these.. INTENSE cravings for burgers.. so we went down to hungry jacks.. ordered those fatty greasy burgers.. took em home.. and watched another movie... After they all went home.. I continued satisfying my unhealthy appetite by drinking a bottle of passionfruit vodka..  OH gosh.. am i turning into an alcoholic?

For quite some time i've been absent from both church and CEll Group meetings.. in fact... i've been away from all those activities during the whole months of ocotber, nov and dec... During those 3 months... I was under a lot of pressure... pressure of school.. pressure of trying to achieve my goals.. pressure of trying to be a good "christian", pressure of holding my feelings inside...at the end of 2005.. my goals and resolutions from the beginning of the year were not achieved.. in fact.. they are still far from ideal...

Then i felt kinda depressed.. i felt unworthy, i felt like a failure... I searched Him for answers.. but found none... answers that were given to me.. were still the same when i was given the task.. He said, "I choose you". Why me?? who am i?? through these difficult times.. I found inspiration through this song by Casting Crowns..

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

I guess I am that fading flower, I am that wave tossed in the ocean, I am the vapour in the wind.. but He.. looked on me with love.. called me out.. and He chose me...

His Grace.. His Love.. I do not deserve it.. but I want to be His very own.. I want to be worthy of such great love.. I guess the only thing I can do is just try.. try with all I am.. with all I have.. to prove my worth..

Now... the problems that i had.. they are still here.. in fact.. they are more intense.. but somehow.. I am still happy.. and joyful... that He loves me.. and that's all that matters..

Do you know a great way to get over someone? it's not time... time does heal but i just found a better cure to a broken heart. It's a good communication. Several days ago I had a good conversation with that girl whom i had been secretly having a crush on for quite many months. She's still clueless about what i feel.. but the conversation was an eye-opener. She talked about her relationship with another guy whom i have known for long time had been pursuing her.. what is interesting is that their relationship gets stronger and she begins to develop feelings for this man when he's away... or should i say.. when he's gone..(the guy is back in his home country).. and then i realised something... i always knew that she's never the one... but deep in my heart.. i always yearned for that romantic miraculous moment... that moment never came... now... i'm pretty confident that there's no chance for me..Somehow... i was not disappointed or depressed... in fact.. i felt that a big burden has been lifted from me when we were talking... and surprisingly.. i was able to encourage her with her current relationship...